S10 Episode 5: I couldn’t help but wonder, What is real and what is reality?

If anyone is as thick as thieves this season it’s Scott and I. Yup, you nailed it!! He told me he was coming to town and yes, I plotted to get him to the apartment knowing Tinsley would be there -- dressed and sprayed tanned for Ramona’s holiday shopping party. Because that’s the kind of friend I am….I make sure my gals have a proper spray tan before an ex-boyfriend makes a surprise visit. 

For the record, Keep it Cute…means:

Don’t fall to the floor when the boyfriend you haven’t seen in 2 months arrives at your door, Officer & a Gentleman style, to sweep you off to Chicago. 

Don’t start to sob. Maintain cool composure.

Don’t put him on the spot by asking him if he’s now your boyfriend.

Don’t then smash dead flowers into the garbage. Definitely don’t tell him you saved the flowers because I brought them to cheer you up after your break-up.

Don’t call your crazy mom before wheels are up on the plane, and you’re safely en route to Chicago.

In spite of breaking everyone of the keep in cute rules, Tinsley and Scott got their relationship back on track. And I couldn't be happier for her. Adam and I?  Well…let’s say we were never friends with benefits unless the benefit was monogamy.

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Maybe it’s me, I’ll concede there are times I look like I’m listening to the ladies but I’m really thinking about my kittens, or if I left a candle burning at my apartment. But Sonja doesn’t make sense in 140 characters or 140 paragraphs. Last year, on this very show, she said, all Tinsley did was shop, shop, shop (remember the assistant and the hat scandal.) This year she changed it to, Tinsley didn’t have a pot to piss in until Scott came along. Real life and reality should generally jive season to season.

And Sonja has been badmouthing Tinsley from the jump, she called Dorinda fat and was disrespectful of her late husband, she called Ramona a piece of shit….Perhaps this is a source of some of Sonja’s pain. But is it really that confusing as to why she’sa leper and no one wants to sit near her at the lunch table?

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Luann, I called you here today…Did you hear me say that? Lol. This may appear like one of those contractually obligated sit downs, the “fall out” brunch where we discuss what was discussed at the last brunch. But it actually isn’t. I asked Luann if she’d come to tea because I wanted to make it nice. I hadn’t seen her one-on-one in over three years. I was tired of the behind the back barbs, insults, and counter punches. By the way, am I wrong? Do people refer to drivers as driver? When I speak to them I just use the regular, Sir or Mame.  

Honestly, our friendship is too superficial to be this complicated. 

One friendship I didn’t think was superficial was mine with Bethenny. Although I recently I read she said it sort of was…..so my bad.

So far this season it appears that Bethenny has decided I’m not such a great friend. She can’t reach me on my phone, I don’t reply to her texts in a timeframe she considers appropriate, I didn’t pony up charity money early enough to make her cut, and I’m generally not interested in what’s going on in her life. None of that is true. But why let the truth get in the way of a good storyline?

In real life we were both busy but things seemed cool, or so I thought. I barely recognize the girl on TV making silly passive aggressive comments – one after another.  Spoiler Alert: It takes me a few weeks to catch on to what she is saying about me-- I’d say by the Berkshires I begin to see the whole picture.  Fun times!!!

As for her worrying if I have the constitution for devastation …no need to worry about me, [honey].  I was twenty-six when I was assigned to Israel during the Gulf War. I spent five weeks chasing Scud missiles. I met people who lost their homes and all their possessions in the bombings. Tall apartment complexes, once filled with families, lay in rubble on the ground. At the time, it was thought Saddam Hussein would use chemical warheads. The only fashion I cared about was my Haz-mat gear. When I was twenty-five working in camps along the Cambodian border I saw mothers with their children who knew nothing but war, poverty, and the blue tarps of U.N. refugee tents. 

I thought her experience in Puerto Rico would have been something that brought us closer. We’d both now seen the aftermath of destruction –- natural and man-made. But that didn’t happen. And I’m beginning to understand why. I guess it didn’t fit into her Carole and Tinsley are thick as thieves and all they care about are clothes and lashes storyline.  Is anyone buying this crap? Stay tuned next week its gets better! Gotta run…getting a spray tan and a new set of lashes!