S8 Episode 10: The Berkshire Prison Experiment: Part III

Who are the guards? Who are the inmates? We may all be inmates.

As Dorinda and Jules play Twister in the Billiard Room, we are playing Twist-err the Facts in the Kitchen. Watching the episodes is harder than filming them. I don’t know how any of you do it. It’s like reality re-arranged. There are things the ladies say they said that they never said. Then there are the things said that I said, that I never said. And the things I say that you don’t see me say.  Realty Re-Shuffleboard.

I wasn’t going to write a blog this week. I was hoping to get another cartoon but my attempt to gilt my niece and nephew into drawing something  this time failed. So here I am….

I didn’t want to go to the Berkshires. I wasn't sure who would be there and frankly I had only spoken to Luann once in the past eight months (at Bethenyys BBQ) and it didn’t go very well. Never mind any sort of apology, she didn’t even appear sorry for anything she’d said and even repeated the same BS about Adam and I. Again, to my face. Some of which you didn’t see. That explains a little why I’d rather not bump into her.

In retrospect, I should have stayed in NY and gotten my vagina zapped with Sonja.

But my feelings about Luann, once hard-boiled are now soft-boiled. I have soft-boiled feelings for Luann – oh, by the way, Sonja I trademarked the phrase “soft-boiled feelings” in twenty-seven categories including food and alcohol. Lol.

I feel a bit sad for Luann in this episode because I can see in reality what I couldn’t see in real-life.  She’s a decent woman trapped in an idea of who she should be. A lady who does this. A woman who likes that….She is well practiced at ignoring and or denying information that conflicts with her existing belief about herself. I am a girls-girl, I live by a girls-code. I don’t date younger men.  It’s how she can believe that she will teach Sonja to drink in moderation and be more selective with men while holding a gin and tonic in her right hand and parading men through the townhouse with her left.

She holds so many contradictory beliefs and values in her head that when she is confronted she simply can’t reconcile them. I’m no shrink but she appears to be suffering from severe cognitive dissonance disorder. When confronted about her own aggressive behavior with men she instead talks about Ramona’s behavior in Turks without mentioning her own – she did bring home a married man. She did the same thing in St. Barts. When confronted with her own hypocrisy, she calls others hypocrites. It’s kind of amazing.

Which is why when you see Luann’s lips moving, more often than not, she is not telling the truth. For the life of me I don’t know why she does it. No one does. Maybe years of covering  up behavior that contradicts “the idea of her” she no longer knows the difference between truth and dishonesty? She lies about things that don’t need lying about. If you believe your thoughts are the truth does that make them the truth? Maybe it does. The truth about Lu is that she believes the stories she creates in her head, some of which are simply not true, which is why her stories never track.

Most recently her dating history with that crazy drunk Reeeeyyyyy.  Or whether or not she knew Ramona (and Sonja) had dated her new boyfriend (she did.)  She even lied about saying she never implied she had a hand in SkinnyGirl brand even though she had implied that just an hour earlier. And remember last year she couldn't quite tell a coherent story of why she was so upset with me after we returned from Turks? Was it because I stormed into her room? Or was she suddenly furious I was dating Adam six months after I told her? Nothing made sense. You can ask me the same question year after year and I will have the same exact story. It’s so much easier to be truthful. Maybe I’m just too lazy to lie.

When she says many times over the course of several episodes, “I apologized to Carole many times.” That too is a lie. Rewind the tape – every single frame of it.  It has been now nearly ten months since Luann called me a bunch of shitty names, leaked fake stories to the press about my family, tried to trash my business, age-shamed, and made up lies about Adam and I. (And yes, I replied to fans who tweeted in my defense – kill me). In all that time, she never texted, called, or reached out. I was upset but more at myself for trusting her as a friend. You can believe whomever you want. I don’t care. But I’ve never told an untruth or lie on this show or off it -- except if you count the time I told Sonja she showed talent at burlesque. That was a little lie.

Thing is, I don’t need Luann to apologize. I’ve already forgiven her though I don’t want to spend much time with her. I quietly wanted her to accept that she said terrible things about a friend, learn the lesson, and try to be better. Like the rest of us try to do all the time. Why does she need Ramona to tell her what any eight year old would know?

You may think Bethenny over-reacted or was all “mean girl” (to use that eight grade expression) and maybe she was but she has the one thing Luann lacks – self-awareness. It’s a very good quality. Bethenny knows immediately that she said something to Luann that she is ashamed of saying and she apologizes. She doesn’t need someone to coach her through an insincere apology ten months later. She called Luann a terrible name and the very same night she said she was sorry. No lying about apologizing. She actually apologizes. That very same night. And she should have. Does anyone see the difference?  

The mis-spelled text last week was the first time Luann even acknowledged, let alone apologized for calling me a pedophile, which is a pretty shitty thing to call a friend, right? Let’s hope it's the last.